Calvin Jay Hardy: Full-time Disciplinarian

In case you weren't lucky enough to receive these accounts firsthand, here is a quick recap of last weeks events:

Calvin began my punishment by dumping half a bag of saltines all over the living room and dining room floor followed by stepping on all of them. Then, with the greatest of ease he opened Ali's dresser drawer with the expertly installed (NOT expertly designed) child-proof locks and scatttered all of her clothes. Next he pulled out all the wipes individually and threw them around the house. But before he deemed the task done he managed to rip a few up into smaller, less-manageable pieces. Then after either Jordan or myself (Jordan) carelessly didn't lock the pantry back up, Calvin found a Sam's Club bag worth of paper cups that apparently he just couldn't bear to leave in the bag. Not knowing what to expect next but becoming accustomed to his merciless way of life, I walked into my bedroom to find him standing there, loose powder in hand, shaking it out onto the floor. -Calvin was considerate enough to span this out over a week's time to further the chastisement and help me better understand the lesson at hand, so thanks Boy. As for me, lesson learned: Don't have premarital sex.

Monthly Update

Yes, it's that time of month again. No, not that one! Hardy Family Update: September Edition. I know you all have been dying to know what's new with us so I'll try and make this as interesting as possible seeing how no significant life changing events have taken place since the last post. (Ahem...) Let's begin.


It's hard to believe that this has actually happened, but for the first time in two years I have feelings of gratitude that I work the social outcast-causing shift of graveyard. In turn I only have to be home two nights a week with the children. Jordan and I postponed moving Ali to her crib for as long as possible because well, she just won't sleep through the night and we were worried about how the boy would handle that. PS he's not doing well, but we'll get to that. 5 months old and the REM cycle is still being disrupted two to three times a night! Bless her heart, I suppose she's probably just conditioning us for the glorious teenage years she'll put us through in the years to come. However, the girl really isn't the problem. Although she is the root of it, it's really the boy who makes these midnight ventures so blood curdling. If the slightest noise comes out of her, Calvin is screaming "SISTER CRY! SISTER CRYYY! AAAHHH!" This goes on until the problem is silenced, and by then it's "Hobbes needs covers! Hobbes covers!" in the most fake heart-breaking cry he can manage, and then the on-duty parent has to retuck Calvin's stuffed animal back in bed with him. From there the conversation plays out like this:

Calvin: Thank you.

Me: You're welcome. I love you, go back to sleep.

Calvin: Calvin drink of water?

Me: No sweetheart you need to go back to sleep.

Calvin: Calvin eat corn dogs?

Me: Not right now, it's time to sleep.

Calvin: Jelly sandwich?

Me: You already ate dinner buddy, you need to go back to sleep.

Calvin: Go to park and play?

Me: It's too dark to play. It's nighttime, time to sleep.

Calvin: Calvin go to nursery?

Me: Nursery is closed right now. You can go on Sunday, but right now it's time to go back to sleep.

Calvin: TV back on?

Me: If I turn the TV back on can I go back to sleep?

Calvin: Ok.

Please realize that the duration isn't a mere few sentences, it's more like 10 to 15 minutes from start to finish. I don't even know how to describe this to you unless you have personally witnessed a distressed scream from Calvin. The best I can do is as follows; you know when you walk into Wal-Mart and you haven't even passed the greeter gent before you hear a child screaming? It's that same awful feeling you get listening to that screaming child, while you're wondering who the heck the mother is and why she can't keep her kid under control. And if she can't keep her kid under control why is she allowing that kid out in public where there are innocent ears at stake? And then you look down and it's your obnoxious child who is ready to jump out of the cart to go ride the train or at least die with the pride of trying. It's that bad.

Me: Baby Einstein it is.

All in all the routine sounds quite simple. And then it happens again. "ALI BINKIE! ALI BINKIE! BINKIE BINKIE! BINKIE!!!!" Sure glad we spent that 50 bucks on the super sound sensitive baby monitor. Oh how I love the 40x intensified screams. Who needs the modern technology when you have a 2 year old with the lung capacity of an elephant? Any couples out there who are expecting, save your money, Calvin's available and his services are free.